crawlintomysoul

She's a failure.
She can't build.
She can't assemble.
She can't fix.
She can't cook.
She can't drive.
She can't smile.
She can't be nice.
She can't think.
She's a failure.

=)

It's really not getting any easier as I start to pack things up into my car to make drive #1 to Ypsi today. It seems like it would make it easier, because I have something to focus on. But as I look at what I packed and what I didn't pack, I realize that tomorrow is going to be a LONG day. I've missed a lot of basic things of life. And I still have to go grocery/HBC shopping. I didn't even pack any pajamas today. Or sweatshirts. I can't, I don't really care. I know it will all eventually get in the right spot, and I'm not really concerned at the moment. Oh this is frustrating......what are we?

I don't know else to describe the way I'm feeling other than defeated. By life. I've been climbing a mountain ever since I was born, and even though I wasn't halfway up yet, I still lost every foot I've gained in the past 20 years. You win, life, you win. I will throw in the towel and let you kick the piss out of me.

I don't try hard enough. At anything. If I can't make it work, then what can I do? He doesn't seem like the same person he used to be. He's not as happy. I'm not as happy. I've acquired some issues through this whole situation. Some issues that I can't beat. Some issues that I may never beat, no matter where my life takes me. Where is my life taking me?

Life's been truckin' along normal-style. I've been workin' and workin' and workin' and that's about it. Besides that I went to Chicago to visit my brother last weekend. I bought a digital camera while I was there, and I took a lot of pictures of the zoo. :) Also the air show was that weekend, so we watched that for a while from Kim's roof. Brook is also moving in with a friend to a new apartment, and I got to see it. It's sweet.

I move in next Sunday/Monday, and I can't even believe it. It doesn't seem like it's time at all! I'm excited but sad to leave home, I kinda like it here this summer. It's been nice. I have training for my new job on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week, and I'm basically just nervous about the whole thing. It should be a good time, but I don't think I'm getting along with my boss very well so far. I'm totally stoked to cut hours at Meijer, because I'm getting really friggen' sick of that place already.

Not much else is going on, so that's all for now!

Call me crazy, but I'm so glad this vacation is over. Who knows what is going to happen between us....I hate that more than anything, but sitting at my house watching tv on one couch while he is on the other is probably the most painful thing that could happen right now. I wanted to try again after the mouse trap. I always want to try again, I want to be with him more than anything in the world. Those 3 days after we started trying again were the most amazing 3 days. I felt so in check, trying to be patient with his bitchiness, taking into account that he had reason. Fights were non-existant. It was pure bliss. Then the fight happened. And it hit hard. And it hurt, and it made me hurt him. It was out of control. I couldn't calm down. He kept trying to talk to me, but I just couldn't calm down. It took me two days to calm down, and at that point I have already said and done too many horrible things that I can't take back. Now that I want to talk, he doesn't. And who can blame him? I can't blame him for not wanting to talk, and I can't blame him if he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

It's scary. Sometimes I'm so sure that's what I want. And less often, all I can think about is getting away. I don't know what will happen next. But I'm scared I can't do it, whatever it is. I'm not as strong as I think. I know that.

In the meantime, I look forward to a couple of weeks with my love Jen before she leaves forever and ever. But no worries, I plan to visit her in the fall. I will miss her very very much.

It happened. Though it wasn't shocking or surprising, it was the most painful thing I have experienced yet. Whether I want to believe it or not, it happened over a mouse trap. It's been a week or so of absolute hell mixed in with a few bits of "Wow, I would love to spend the rest of my life with him," moments. Those moments are what made me keep going. They made me keep going after being blamed for every fight, after being told my feeling aren't normal or okay, after being called names almost every day, after being made feel like shit for wearing a goddamned tank top, after trying to sympathize with him over consequences of stupid mistakes he made.....after all of that, those moments were so strong that they seemed to make everything worth it. I guess I will never know whether I would "spend the rest of my life with him," or not. Over a mouse trap. Of course he has things to say about me, like that I'm controlling and I have an attitude and a temper and everything else. But for some reason the day has to be my fault because I had to get up at 8:30 to feed my dog and find out he is really sick, so I must take him to the vet. And the fact that I don't have coffee or food ready for him makes the day much worse. And on top of that, I asked him to take the trash out! How horrible and selfish and helpless I am.

It's going to be so hard if he ever calls me. Because every bone and every muscle and every tisssue and cell in my body wants to be his so bad. But it just doesn't seem to be working. And everyone knows it. We fight ALL the time. Of course, it's my fault....even though he can admit he's had the problem in the past. One second he can say, "Let's try to recognize right when the fight starts and spend some time apart and cool down." Five minutes later when we start to fight, all he can do is keep yelling. He wanted to "talk about it" after he threatened to leave. Of course his version of "talking about it" at that point was barging into my room to interrogate me. It didn't seem or prove very effective.

I don't want to hear from him. He's done enough damage by being in and ending our relationship. I'm so broken. I want to be with him more than anything in the world, and it's obvious I can't. Please don't call me.

Sometimes when you make that drive, it feels like that day. But that day is over, and oh how we miss life before it.

It's been a rough and interesting few days. Rob and I have really not been doing well and it's frustrating. It's most frustrating when I see other people happy together and know that at this moment, I don't feel that. It's there sometimes, a lot of times, but it makes me so so sad when it isn't there.

Yesterday I had an exam. I certainly did not get a 100, but I did decently. The last problem had to be worked out completely by hand, and takes about 15 minutes to do. Of course, I did it the Erin way and got the answer from the calculator and worked backwards to show work. Hopefully he won't notice. After the exam, I rewarded myself with chicken nachos at Qdoba before stopping by Meijer to start a fight with Rob.

Later, Jen picked me up and we made the drive. We met up with Andrew and Erin and played mini-golf at Ella Sharp and got coffee at Dunkin Donuts. It was just what I needed from the day, relaxing and having fun and being a smart ass.

Today, I worked some more. What else is new...I'm looking forward to another day off tomorrow.

Mom is always there for me. She will always be there for me...

It's been so hard lately. It just hasn't felt right. I keep telling myself over and over that it is right, because it's what I want. The bads have been bad, and the goods have only been okay. It's been a while since I've truly felt loved and wanted, and I'm scared. Are we only together now because it's routine, or are we really loved and wanted? I don't know. I wish I knew.

Whether I'm good at admitting it or not, I am pretty good at knowing whether it's my fault. And for a long time in the beginning, I wouldn't admit it. Now, I sometimes do, but generally not until after the fact. This time, I don't think it's my fault, and I don't think I was overreacting. Whether the anger is at you or not, it hurts to be yelled at. It's like someone is taking a knife and stabbing, aiming relentlessly at your heart. I am a sensitive person. Sometimes when people yell at me, I cry. Often times, really. I don't like to be yelled at, it makes me feel stupid and unimportant and unloved. I understand that he wasn't mad at me, and wasn't yelling at me for a purpose other than to vent about something else, but it still hurt. I tried to calm him down, and I really was there for him. But he doesn't see that. All he sees is that I told him I was done listening to him yell. I was done because I was hurt. I don't know why, he wasn't yelling at me. But I am sensitive, I don't like to be yelled at. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should just go...

So yesterday marked the day that Stephen died 2 years ago. Jen and I made the trip to buy flowers and go to his grave, and just like last year the weather was gloomy, rainy, and cold. We stopped at the crash site on the way out there, and to our complete dismay, everything was gone. The cross, the box, my letter, everything. That was a little upsetting, I must say. My mom said she wasn't surprised, but it just seems so...not nice.

Anyway, so we went to Michael's and spent like an hour picking out flowers, then put them all back because we found an already put together grave thing, and an American flag. Then we went to the cemetary, and spent a few minutes talking to Stephen and things. It was kind of sad, but we were cold and selfish, so we left rather quickly, and decided to return in the summer. Oh, I miss his smile and his moccasins.

The day went on, and I went over to Jen's and hung out with her and Kel and Lauren. It was a grand time, but I was surprised and pained by stupid girly problems. That ended my night short, but I suppose I needed the rest.

Today, work was very busy and very stupid. I don't understand why it gets so busy, and why the schedule sucks so much sometimes. But it does and does. Either way, it's silly. I had some interesting people tell some interesting things today. My favorite was the enraged man who handed me SHAPE magazine witha chick in a bikini on the front and said "Ma'am, can you please tell me why it is necessary for my children to see this while we wait in line?" Well, sir. I put it there personally just for that purpose. I'm sorry that you don't want your child to see that, but don't ask me why it's there, I just am a pee-on here. Now I am very sleepy and was going to go to church, but I don't know if I will make it. So I guess I should go to bed and find out. :)

Goodnight all.

....boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

What a book. One I should pull out and read again soon, as soon as this nightmare called class stops. I did, after all, dedicate my beloved goldfish (who has passed) to the book.

I really don't like my job. Three years is a long time to work at one place, especially if it is not your career. I mean, it is alright, but I think I am just getting sick of some of the people who work there who are really stupid. It makes my head hurt just a little bit. So the current plan is to get a different job in Ypsilanti when I go back to school. There are a few prospective options, currently. The easiest of the three would be to transfer to Meijer in Ypsi, which is also the least appealing. Also, there is the possibility of looking at hiring in as a cashier at Lowe's, and maybe making more money than I currently make at Meijer. That would be pretty sweet. Then there is the option of finding a receptionist job at some sort of small business, which would be relatively the same pay probably. Or I could apply at hotels to work front desk, that would be sweet and more entertaining than my current job. Anyway, we'll see. Maybe something exciting will happen at Meijer and I will start hating my job a little less. That is doubtful job though.

Here's a story for anyone who's bored.

Jen and I went downtown and hung out to celebrate her homecoming. Then we met up with Zack, Rory, and Aaron. So we're driving home, and tired. We're getting off the exit at Clear Lake Road, which is a scary enough place in itself. Jen's talking, and I'm coming to a stop at the end of the exit ramp. When I slow to about 25mph, I see a figure dead in front of me, on the edge of the road. "Jen, what the hell? Is that a person? That's a person!" And so it was, a scruffy man wearing a plaid shirt and cut up jeans, just staring. Not even moving or looking at me. I'm freaked out, there's no car near him, why is he just staring at me in the middle of nowhere? So I decide it would only be a good idea to completely ignore the stop sign and keep the solid speed of 25mph on the turn. As I'm turning Jen says "Erin, there's two of them. Watch out," and on my right side there is a white-trashy woman in an oversized sweatshirt waving her hands frantically and screaming. She looked like she either wanted to kill me or was about to be killed herself. Hell if we're going to stop, we're two college girls not ready to end our lives. After a moment of freakout, we get our grip and I call 911 (which by the way shows up as "emergency" on your caller ID, in case you are in fact curious.) I'm telling the lady what happened, and she keeps asking me over and over, "Which way were you traveling on I-94?" And I keep explaining to her that it doesn't matter, because they are on Clear Lake Road, on the 94 bridge. Eventually I told her I was going west, and that I am scared and she should send someone to check it out. The whole way home Jen and I are trying to figure out where these people came from and why she was so frantic. So I drop Jen off and call the boyfriend. He gives me the genius idea to call the police, which the number is impossible to find...I call the Chelsea Police, then the Waterloo Police (who don't answer their phones at night) and then finally the Jackson County Police. A nice man listens to my freakout session and insists that I hold while he contacts the police dispatched to the call. He comes back to me. What happened? The police officers were helping them with a flat tire. WHY WOULD YOU ACT SO FUCKING SCARY IF YOU WANTED HELP WITH A FLAT TIRE? It kills me that they were both literally 20 feet away from a payphone in which they could dial 911 and ask for help and spare me the nightmare. Still seems fishy, but I'll trust the polie.

Until next time, peace and love.

I feel like I only update when we fight. Though I don't always state that we're fighting when I update, pretty much that's how it goes. And we're fighting again, so I'm updating again. This fight is different. This fight has continued over a couple of days in which I feel like I haven't gotten attention I deserve. Yes I know that I'm an attention whore sometimes, but this is different. I just am frustrated these past few days. And he's right about a lot, but I also think I have a right to be upset. Yes I'm nit-picky. Yes I can't let things go. The latter is who I am. Phil borrowed my white-out pen and broke it on purpose in 6th grade, and I'm still upset about it. I don't let things go because sometimes I don't understand why people would want to do things to upset me. I really don't purposely hurt people, but along the road of life, I've noticed other people do that. The point is, I've been feeling ignored lately...I don't like when people don't listen to me when I don't talk. He hates it when I tell him he doesn't listen. I just tell him at the wrong time because I'm embarassed to tell him at the right times. How do I feel when I've been talking to someone for 2 minutes, and someone else in another room yells out, and I immediately become ignored? I feel like probably I should just go jump off a bridge, because apparently nothing I say is important. And then when I choose the route of not talking so my feelings don't become hurt, that never works out either. I feel like no matter what I do or how I feel, it makes him mad at me...and we all know what that leads to. Things that make me mad at him. It's a beautiful, viscious cycle.

i've updated.

Three more weeks until classes are over. Of course, only to be followed by another 10 weeks of class, but that's alright.

I've been feeling a bit smothered lately. Not really smothered, just more dependended on. By people in particular. Perhaps I'm just ready to get school over with. I don't know. I just feel like I let people down by trying to balance my own life...but I'm sort of a hermit sometimes. Especially when I'm financially strapped. I'm not working as much as I should be right now, but I really can't bring myself to work another day. I know full time will greet me soon, but that laptop gets further and further away. It comes after the car gets fixed, and after I buy some MUCH needed summer clothes, and after the pills, and after some other things. I'm trying to be conservative, but it's apparently not working. Ohhhhh well. Work more, it is.

I woke up today, and I just knew it was going to be one of those days. One of those days where you can't get anything out that you want to get out. One of those days where I sit silently and pay attention to everyone else's actions. One of those days where not even the ATM understands me.

Class was mediocre until the part where Prof. Newton said "Hey come here, you totally forgot 20% of this assignment when you turned it in last week, so go do it." I mean, that was super nice of her to let me fix it after I turned it in (it wasn't due until 4 hours later), but I just felt like an ass. How do you forget to do 20% of an assignment? Then I went to the ATM. That was joyous. The touch screen was off....and when I clearly hit "Press here for English" it obviously thought I meant that I wanted it to talk to me in Spanish. Then there is no cancel key to push on the screen, because it's on the keypad. The cancel button AND the clear button on the ATM did not work. Therefore, I spent the next 10 minutes trying to carefully withdraw ONLY $10 from my checking account without messing anything up. If you're wondering, don't go to the double-sided National City ATM on Washtenaw over by TJ Maxx. It sucks.

Tonight I played Bonzai with 315 and gang. It was...interesting. And by interesting, I mean the stupidest game I've ever played, yet still entertaining. I should be sleeping. Registration starts at 8am, and if I do not get into MATH122, I will cry. A lot. And it will not be pretty. So up I will get at 8am to register MATH122 and DS265, and then go back to sleep because I don't care about the rest of them. Tomorrow is also "Turn your crap in early cuz you're going on vacation" day. So that's always fun. At any rate, since I have nothing to rant about other than Spanish speaking ATMs, I'm out.

Cause all of the moonlight in the sky
Was no match for your eyes
And no one feels
And no one feels like we do
You're telling me things
I don't want to hear
But you are my answer
When nothing is clear
And the music played softly
As you whispered a word
I had to sigh and catch my breath
From what I had heard
And no one feels
And no one feels like we do

I want to feel like this right now. But alas, a fight. A fight for what? A fight for nothing. No one was mad, no one was upset...but I had to make sure we fought about it. I always have to make sure we fight about it. It's what I do. At the beginning of the relationship, there wasn't so much ridiculous sensitivity. As soon as someone got frustrated and used a frustrated tone of voice, there wasn't a, "Are you mad?" or a "Stop getting mad at me!!" There was a real way of dealing with real things....like calming the frustration, and toning it down. We have just pushed our levels of sensitivity up by 400% and it makes talking about anything hard sometimes.

Fighting sucks. It's all about person A telling person B they are wrong, and person B telling person A they are wrong. I don't like to hear that I'm wrong. And I don't like to hear the other side of sarcastic "Fine, I'm just wrong all the time, and you're always right." Both of those make me feel equally as shitty, and I wish there was a way of fighting in which it didn't always have to be about who is right and who is wrong.

I wish I could learn to fight effectively. I know that sounds sort of stupid and sort of....oxy moronish. It'd be great though. Fighting for a purpose, to actually get somewhere, and solve a problem. Maybe I will go dwell on that...

It's been a while. Too long, even. Life's been pretty decent. School still has the best of me, which is unfortunate. It just pounds down on me every day when I wake up. I've been doing the list lately, where I make a list of everything I should accomplish that day. Every day, at least one or two things are unfortunate enough to remake the list the next day. Frustrating? Yes. Laziness? Yes. Working hasn't really helped the school situation. 18 credits and 12 hours work is definitely manageable, but has also sucked any fun whatsoever out of my life. However, the semester is nearing a halt in about 5 weeks, and I can dig that. Though I'm taking a spring class, it will not be nearly as catastrophic as this.

It's been a crazy day, really. There was a bit of a scare at 9:45 when the girl who was supposed to turn our MASSIVE project in at 10am calls me and says "I forgot to bind our report, and Kinko's is closed. What do I do?" But no worries, Erin came to the rescue and said "Office Max it up and get your ass over here." She was late. But so was everyone else. At 11:30 I took an exam that was a bit of a surprise, but luckily extra credit is there to buffer what I lack. I then waited around for a HORRIBLE round of information systems...What did we even talk about? I kept falling asleep. I never fall asleep in that class.

Post class, it was time to do some homework. I played catch up with Andrew for a while, and he introduced me to the video podcast from which I downloaded the much loved episode of Mighty Mouse with the lambs and the wolves. I used to watch it all the time at Grandma's house! I also downloaded Casper, which is my favorite. I have yet to watch it. A strange and all sorts of akward conversation Andrew (note: different Andrew) took place for no more than ten minutes. Lots of studying happened for the dreaded accounting test tomorrow. As you can see, my life is boring.

Perhaps I will travel home this weekend to see my long lost puppy and kitten. The family is due for a trip to Chicago, and I shall stay behind to do some laundry and homework. It's okay though, I need a weekend of peace and quiet. I really should be sleeping, so here I go.

For the most part, things have been pretty fantastic lately. Classes are going decent, I suppose. Rob and I have been doing well. Roomies and I have been having good times...except for that whole talk with mom yesterday about this school and how it sucks. So hopefully I will be able to stay here, I'm not really sure. I don't really have a lot more to say right now. I just am trying to work things out so I can graduate in 4 and a half years honors style. I feel like I'm busting my ass off this semester and it really didn't help all that much. But, I guess that's sort of life. I have nothing else to say, I just wanted to update from the last sad post and say that my life is happy.

Patience is virtue, everyone tells me. I say it all the time. But I do not happen to live by it in my current most important relationship in my life. And that is unfortunate, because it make a lot of things a lot better. I am slowly learning how important patience really is.

I tend to get very angry. I am a girl, I do not understand this. I already have the pre-super-mom gene installed. On most days, people tell me to do something, and I get it done. People explain something to me, and I get it. I have a pretty sharp memory, I don't have to be told something four times. The boys, however, need things to be reinforced. And I do not get it. It makes me angry. I am learning that what this situation needs is patience, not anger. It's not like they are stupid, they just need to be told more than once. Yelling doesn't help or fix any part of the situation.

I feel like the things that go unheard the first time the most, are usually the most sincere I have to say. They are usually the deserved apologies. Getting angry after apologizing is not good. And I therefore fall short of a good communicator.

I am avoiding homework at all costs. A couple of hours of TV, some Snood, and a lot of myspace-ing have made that successful thus far. However, there comes a point in the night where it starts to get late, and one realizes it must be done. Good thing that night doesn't have to be tonight. I am burnt out from what I have already accomplished today. Though it didn't even make a dent in what needs to get done, I did accomplish a lot today. I can finally see the end to the world of water pollution researching.

The weekend came to a close fast. I suppose it hardly was a weekend. I didn't go out, and all I did was homework. It's okay though. I can see the end of this two-week-long mass chaos now! However, I am looking forward to a wonderful seclusive weekend with Rob, this coming weekend. I am excited. :) End of story.